The door mat.

I apologise for the neglect. I just haven't really had anything to write about. Well, anything worth while.

I need to express myself just a little bit. For the last few months (more like 6, since March-ish), I've been feeling really sorry for myself and I've come to realise that have brought it upon my own wellbeing. If you know me at all, I'm not a sensitive person. People can say all kinds of insults about me to my face and I can laugh it off but then I guess it started to get too much, like a balloon being blown up just that extra bit and it bursts. I guess you can say I'm a push over and I know thats true. There's a line between insensitivity and being a door mat, and I've crossed that line and I didn't notice this until a close friend of mine made me realise it. I started to really believe 100% that I was worth nothing to anybody and that people really believed what they said about me (fat, annoying, stupid, pathetic, weak etc) and I know that I shouldn't have let it go on this far. It was a mistake. This close friend also made me realise that I've got to look out for myself as much as a best friend should, or like a guide dog should look after his owner. I'm not one for conflict but I knew that I had to start somewhere. I got mad at a friend at church one night because of the things they were saying. I didn't use harmful words, I didn't even say anything. I just got up and walked off and I'm glad I did because from then on, I guess I'm more confident to tell people how I feel about the stuff they say to me.

Not only this but I have also felt like my friends have distanced themselves from me so much and it just happened to be the friends I depended upon the most and I suppose that ties in with my other problem about being a door mat. It made me realise that I'm not very independent. I depend upon people too much for me to be able to lean on myself. I always thought I was this strong person who had a shield to protect me but I guess it wasn't as strong as I thought because I didn't trust myself. And I'm not saying that the only way to gain independence was to cut off all ties with the people around me and go at it alone because I haven't met a single person yet who could do that and I don't think I ever will. I'm saying that I knew that this distance, this space between me and my friends was something that I caused. I didn't do anything to anger them or get them so frustrated with me that they couldn't stand to be around me, it was just me being me. I grew apart from one friend in particular, one that meant more to me than I could explain. They wouldn't even look me in the eyes, they just looked away and the only communication between us was negative.

I was reading through some of the Bible one night and I came across this verse that was 1 Peter 1:7
- These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

This verse completely defined what I felt and really spoke to me. I realised that maybe God implanted that distance so I could learn to depend on him more and also grow some extra independence. The effects of this verse were boosted further when Stu Cameron, The leading minister at Newlife Uniting Church, spoke about Gods love for everyone. He shared a story about this boy that use to live on a farm when he was younger. And his father went to work somewhere else and was gone from early morning to late afternoon and when the father came home, the boy ran up to the dad, the dad opened his arms and held the boy tightly. This story just broke the verse down even further to the point where it changed my outlook on it. Something happened in me that made me realise that it wasn't just a coincidence that I read that verse just before I heard this sermon.

You know, I've changed a lot in the past 2 months or so. I've learnt how to identify even the subtle things that God does in my life. I have become more independent and that confidence doesn't always mean the power to stand up for others and what you believe. It also means to stand up for yourself and be able to take care of yourself. Those friends that I was distanced from have come back. Not like we were last time we were close, but better I believe. I've made tonnes of new friends that have just completely blown my world away at how awesome they are. I made a new one today even. And you know what? to think that I use to be that person, the door mat that most people walked upon and kicked, It made me realise how much I have changed and matured and I believe its for the better. All this may happen again sometime soon but I'll know who I need to depend upon to get me through it and I'm so thankful that this has happened to me.

Oh, and that close friend I mentioned? They never left my side and I'm not sure whether they've noticed the changes in me that I've noticed, but believe me when I say he's one person I wouldn't trade for anything.

:)